| Apatow, Judd | I said to my mom once—she was having financial problems, and she needed to buy a car, and a little money came in and she got a Mercedes. And I said, “Mom, why didn’t you buy a Camry so that you had money to spend on things like food?” And she said, “Because I’m not an animal.” |
| Bastianich, Joe | A little madness keeps the big madness away. |
| Belloc, Hilaire | Is there no Latin work for Tea? Upon my soul, if I had known that I would have left the vulgar stuff alone. |
| Bennis, Warren | The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. |
| Bernard of Clairvaux | Love me, love my dog. |
| Bohr, Niels | Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think. |
| Bohr, Niels | Of course I don’t believe in it. But I understand that it brings you luck whether you believe in it or not. (When asked why he had a horseshoe on his wall.) |
| Braun, Wernher von | Basic research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing. |
| Brilliant, Ashleigh | My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot. |
| Brown, Whitney A. | I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. |
| Buckely, Jr., William F. | I’d rather entrust the government of the United States to the first 400 people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of Harvard University. |
| Bumper sticker | Use an accordion, go to jail! That’s the law! |
| Chesson, John | An intellectual is someone who can listen to the “William Tell Overture” without thinking of the Lone Ranger. |
| Chesterton, G. K. | Mathematicians go mad, and cashiers, but creative artists very seldom. |
| Chesterton, G. K. | Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. |
| Chesterton, G. K. | The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it. |
| Clavin, Cliff | There’s a fine line between gardening and madness. |
| Cleese, John | If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat? |
| Csatari, Jeff | A sure way to avoid seasickness is to sit on the shady side of an old brick church in the country. |
| Dali Lama | Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. |
| Davies, Russell | Nowadays, Robert Mitchum doesn’t so much act as point his suit at people. |
| Durant, Will | No man who is in a hurry is quite civilized. |
| Einstein, Albert | If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, France will say that I am a German and Germany will declare that I am a Jew. |
| Ferber, Edna | Roast Beef, Medium, is not only a food. It is a philosophy. |
| Foster, Edward | How can I tell what I think till I see what I say? |
| Getty, J. Paul | Formula for success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil. |
| Gide, Andre | Nothing is so silly as the expression of a man who is being complimented. |
| Goodier, Steve | Two lovers were talking and she said to him, “I don’t have a lot of money. I don’t have a brand new sports car and a yacht like Lisa Turner, but I love you with all my heart.” He said to her, “I love you, too. But tell me more about Lisa Turner.” |
| Gunther, John | All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast. |
| Handey, Jack | Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, “Aw, who cares?” And then I think, “Hey, what’s for supper?” |
| Handy, J. | To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. |
| Heinlein, Robert | A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. |
| Holtz, Lou | Don’t tell your problems to people—80 percent don’t care; and the other 20 percent are glad you’ve got them. |
| Jackson, Samuel | Now that I know who you are, I know who I am. |
| Japanese proverb | There are two kinds of fools: the man who has never climbed Fuji, and he who climbs a second time. |
| Jewish proverb | If I try to be like him, who will be like me? |
| Johnson, Samuel | A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out. |
| Johnson, Samuel | Much may be made of a Scotchman, if he be caught young |
| Jones, Franklin | Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. |
| Kennedy, John F. | Don’t buy a single vote more than necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide. (Presidential candidate John F. Kennedy in 1960, referring to allegations that his father was bankrolling his campaign, and reporting his father’s supposed instructions on the use of family funds.) |
| Kennedy, John F. | I don’t see what’s wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before he starts to practice law. (President John F. Kennedy, responding to critics who thought Robert Kennedy was a bit young to accept his brother’s appointment of him as attorney general.) |
| Kirkpatrick, Jeane | Look, I don’t even agree with myself at times. |
| Kissinger, Henry | There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do. |
| LeTourneau, R. G. | Joe gave me some advice. “Pushin’ is a rest from shovelin’. Shovelin’ is a rest from pushin’. Then there’s the trip back with an empty barrow where you don’t do nothin’ at all. Kid, you got yourself a job that’s just one long rest.” |
| Levine, Gail | It is helpful to know the proper way to behave, so one can decide whether or not to be proper. |
| Lowitz, Marilyn | One of New York’s leading cultural institutions was about to undertake a costly study to find out which of its many exhibits was the most popular with visitors. Just before the consulting contract was signed, a committee member suddenly suggested asking the janitor where he had to mop the most. |
| Manet, Edouard | The country only has charms for those not obliged to stay there. |
| Markoe, Merrill | One great thing I noticed about living by myself: All of my annoying habits seemed to have disappeared. |
| Mencken, H. L. | For every complex problem, there is a simple solution that is elegant, easy to understand, and wrong. |
| Metcalf, Shelby | Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject. [Basketball coach at Texas A & M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D.] |
| Minnesota governor | I asked him the most important question that I think you could ask—if he had ever seen “Caddyshack.” (on his meeting with the Dalai Lama) |
| Neuman, John von | Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. |
| Nicholson, Reg | The parents were worried sick about their young son—eight years old and he hadn’t spoken a word. One morning he looked up at breakfast and said: “Could I have a little more sugar on my oatmeal?” The parents were astounded and cried out, “You spoke! You said something! Why have you waited all these years?” The boy shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Up till now everything’s been okay.” |
| Orben, Robert | Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. |
| Pante, Robert | If you look good and dress well, you don’t need a purpose in life. |
| Pollan, Michael | Don’t eat breakfast cereals that change the color of the milk. |
| Reagan, Ronald | One way to make sure crime doesn’t pay would be to let the government run it. |
| Reiner, Carl | A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water. |
| Restaurateur Billy Stolz | I once had a man call at the last minute on a weekend. He wanted a private dining room. I explained that it was high season and we had nothing. “Well, if the queen of England were coming, would you have a room for her to dine?” “Yes, of course,” I said. The caller replied, “Well, she’s not coming, so I’ll take her room.” |
| Roddenberry, Gene | They say that 90% of television is garbage. But 90% of EVERTHING is garbage. |
| Sahl, Mort | Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost. |
| Savoyard saying | I have so much to do that I am going to bed. |
| Schreyer, William | It seems there was a pretzel stand out front of an office building in New York. One day a man came out of the building, plunked down a quarter, and then went on his way without taking a pretzel. This happened every day for three weeks. Finally, the old lady running the stand spoke up: “Sir, excuse me, May I have a word with you?” The fellow said: “I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to ask me why I give you a quarter every day and don’t take a pretzel.” And the woman said, “Not at all. I just want to tell you the price is now 35 cents.” |
| Sheen, Fulton J. | Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn. |
| Simon, Irwin | When I was interviewing for a job, they asked me, “Let’s pretend you’re a bird. If you were a bird and you had to go build nests for all your birds, would you build twig by twig, dropping one off at a time at all four nests, or would you build one complete nest at a time?” I said, “Why don’t you ask me as a human being if I know how to juggle a lot of jobs instead of asking me if I were a bird?” I didn’t work there. |
| Slovenian proverb | Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. |
| Strauss, Richard | Never look at the trombones. You’ll only encourage them. (On conducting) |
| Sunshine Magazine | Weary of the constant disorder of her sons’ room, a mother laid down the law: For every item she had to pick up off the floor, they would have to pay her a nickel. At the end of a week, the boys owed her 65 cents. She received the money promptly—along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read, “Thanks, Mom, keep up the good work!” |
| Thai monk | We intercede on behalf of all mankind. Then we do laundry. (After being asked his mission in life) |
| Unknown | A humorist is a man who feels bad but who feels good about it. |
| Unknown | A man fell asleep in his usual place in a commuter train. Somewhat unusually, the train stopped just short of the station, waiting for the signal to change. The man woke up with a start, sprang up, opened the carriage door, stepped out and fell onto the track. But he quickly climbed back in again. As he shut the door, he said to his fellow passengers, “I bet you think I’m really stupid!” Then he walked across to the other door, opened it, and fell out onto the embankment. |
| Unknown | A New Orleans manufacturing firm announced that it would award twenty-five dollars for any money-saving ideas submitted by employees. The first payment went to the man who suggested the award be cut to ten dollars. |
| Unknown | All the unhappiness of man stems from one thing only: That he is incapable of staying quietly in his room. |
| Unknown | An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. |
| Unknown | Connie and I have been married for 52 years. I proposed to her on the telephone. I called her up and said, “Honey, I love you. Will you marry me?” And she said, “Yes, who is this?” |
| Unknown | Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. |
| Unknown | I don’t talk to no truck. (graffiti scrawled on a New York City Consolidated Edison repair truck whose side had been painted with the slogan: “Ask me how you can save on your electric bills.”) |
| Unknown | I’m so far behind, I think I’m first! |
| Unknown | If a man tells you that he never tells the truth, can you believe him? |
| Unknown | If a person has any connection with Harvard University, the state of Texas, or the U.S. Marine Corps, he will find a way to make that known to you during the first ten minutes of your first conversation. |
| Unknown | If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost. |
| Unknown | In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. |
| Unknown | It is ironic that the most sophisticated eye in all of nature’s creation was given to the common housefly—so that it may better sit on your potato salad. |
| Unknown | Mahatma Gandhi was what wives wish their husbands were: thin, tan, and moral. |
| Unknown | Never interrupt when you are being flattered. |
| Unknown | Never say anything uncomplimentary about another person’s dog. |
| Unknown | Never try to teach a pig to think. It doesn’t work and it annoys the pig. |
| Unknown | Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor’s party than being there. |
| Unknown | People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do. |
| Unknown | People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. |
| Unknown | Police in Oakland, Ca., spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out “give yourself up.” |
| Unknown | Sign posted in a school cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.” Handwritten underneath: “Socks can eat wherever they like.” |
| Unknown | The best way to make a thousand dollars in the stock market is to start with five thousand and quit when you’ve only lost four. |
| Unknown | The Irish ignore anything they can’t drink or punch. |
| Unknown | The proud young father had just returned from the doctor’s office where he had paid something on his account. “Just to think, dear,” he said to his beaming wife, “only three more payments and the baby is ours.” |
| Unknown | The secret of teaching is to appear to have known all your life what you learned this afternoon. |
| Unknown | Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. |
| Unknown | Yesterday in this space I predicted that the world would come to an end. It did not, however. I regret any inconvenience this may have caused. (Note in a newspaper personal ad) |
| Van Dorn, J. A. | To the philosopher, time is one of the fundamental quantities. To the average man, time has something to do with dinner. |
| Webb, Maynard, E-Bay CIO | “Real time” is when you develop something, you roll it out, and you have 15 million people telling you it’s not working. |
| Whittaker, Tom | One of the things that really attracts me about mountaineering is its total pointlessness. So I’ve dedicated my life to it. |
| Witherspoon, Reese | If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. |
| Wright, Steven | Black holes are where God divided by zero. |
| Wright, Steven | I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. |
| Wright, Steven | There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. |
| Yankoski, Mike | A homeless guy walked past wearing a cardboard sign that said, “Ignore me for $1.00.” |
| Zen Buddhist saying | Before enlightenment—chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment—chop wood, carry water. |
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Christian Quotations 